Disclaimer: Funyuns is an entirely satirical column that should never be taken seriously.
Canada has iced a number of great hockey players in it’s Olympic history. Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux, Eric Lindros, Steve Yzerman, Sidney Crosby, and now… John Scott.
Representatives from Hockey Canada announced early Tuesday morning that Scott would be added to the preliminary roster for the country’s 2018 Olympic team, giving the Edmonton native the opportunity to cement his name in hockey lore forever.
Canada Ignoring Stereotypes
After finally having the opportunity to showcase his talents in the NHL All-Star game, Scott is getting the recognition he has long deserved. The hulking 6-foot-8 giant has always been an enforcer in the league, but now the top hockey minds in the sport are realizing what a mistake they made.
“I think when you see someone that big, you just automatically assume that their a physical player, but there are so many more components to his game,” an official from Hockey Canada told Along the Boards. “Scott is the type of player that elevates the game of those around him, and that is exactly what our Olympic roster needs.”
Scott’s True Skill Shines
John Scott has publicly refuted claims that he was just a “slow-footed goon,” and he silenced all of his critics over the weekend by outshining some of the most talented players in the sport.
“Everyone knows the weight that the NHL All-Star game carries,” said one executive from Team Canada. “Many of us use the All-Star game as a sort of litmus test. You get a rare chance to see what these guys can do when they’re playing against a collection of all the top talent in the league, and hey, that’s really what the Olympics are when you think about it.”
The media has long ridiculed the NHL All-Star game, saying that no-one plays defense and that the players put forth little effort because it is nothing more than and exhibition match. Apparently though, that is not how league’s decision makers view it.
One scout for Hockey Canada explained the misrepresentation to Along the Boards. “It may look like they’re not trying, but when you have players with that skill level all playing at the same time, they can make it look easy,” he said. “It cracks me up when people say the All-Star game is a joke. I mean, it allowed us to find John Scott, so who’s laughing now?”
Countries don’t have to name their rosters for another year and a half, but Canada didn’t want to waste any time in letting Scott know how they felt about him.
“He is 33 and has been misused his entire career, he deserves this. And did you see those silky mitts?! The dude’s got sick hands,” one scout proclaimed. “If they could redo the 2001 draft, he’d be at the top of everyone’s board.”
Another scout for Hockey Canada had this to say about Scott, “Matt Duchene is one of the fastest guys in the league, and Johnny blew right by him to get the breakaway on his second goal. It was one of the most impressive plays I’ve ever seen! My only regret in life is that I wasn’t able to experience the magnificence of John Scott sooner.”
The 270-pound hero is finally getting noticed, and it’s even making those close to him realize what they’ve been missing.
“I didn’t even know John played hockey,” one close relative of Scott said. “He always talked about how he traveled a lot and was his team’s enforcer. I just always thought he was talking about high pressure sales or something.”
Yes, as it turns out, John Scott is quite the hockey player, and if not for the fans voting him into the NHL All-Star game, we may never have known it. Thankfully, we will all have the pleasure of watching him compete at least once more as a member of the Canadian Men’s hockey team in 2018.